Published November 2, 2009
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141,428 Literary Works • 674,409 Reviews
It sounds wierd but good
wanna know how i got the idea for this story? i had a notebook with orca whales on the front and i wanted to think of a story that could go with it.
odd huh?
thank you for the constructive criticism, i am proud you both like my story, and will makes changes where i feel necessary.
Hey Jane! Here's a quick review on your prologue.
).
First of all, I think this is a really cool idea! Children with the abilities of animals and a mark to distinguish them. Very cool plot. But, I think this prologue could do with a little more mystery in it. When I think of legends I think of gathering around the campfire with flashlights and kind of scary story type things. This is just so straightforward with everthing that it's just kind of like "Okay then . . ." Draw me in with your words and make me feel the mystery and complete awesomeness of this legend (wow, did I really just say 'awesomeness'? Eh, I stand by it. This legend does sound awesome
There were only a few things I saw technically that could be fixed.
This section needs a little bit of work. So the corrections that I think should be made will be in bold.
I think these corrections would help this section make more sense and stop the run on sentences.
Also, as I was reading through it and saw the part talking about every three generations a child with the mark is born, I thought "That's kind of specific for a lenged." If it happens every three generations consistently then it wouldn't really be much of a legend, would it? I'm not sure how that plays into the story, but it's just someting I noticed.
Overall I think this is a really good beginning. From it I can pretty much guess what the story is about and it makes me want to read on. Just a little more mystery and fixing the things I pointed out and you should be good to go! Feel free to PM me with any questions.
Hi Jane Forest! Welcome to the site, I'm Irish and I'm gonna be your reviewer today!
and please feel free to Personal Message me if you have any questions! I'm perfectly happy to help!
So, this seems like a pretty good start, even though its pretty short. I did notice that you don't have any capitalization after periods, so I'd fix that, and also capitalize the name of the tribe: Poise and where the tribe is located : Puget Sound.
Don't forget that if its the name of something, its capitalized
Other than that, I see this as coming to be a pretty cool story! I like the idea of the animal mark and everything and I hope to see more soon.
So all in all, a pretty good first post
Hope to see you around!
-Irish